Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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