tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
