this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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