I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize