I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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