the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
