Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
