So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
