Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
