Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
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