You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
