Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
