thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
This baby is an asshole
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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