I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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