Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
