I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
