Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize