did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
