Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
