Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
