Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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