The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize