if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
