oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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