went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
