Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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