I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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