I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
