finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
