wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
