He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
