Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
