I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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