I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
