Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
