I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Congratulations! We have a period
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