3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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