News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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