Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
