Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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