There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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