those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize