Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
