We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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