when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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