I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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