Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Randomize
