o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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