I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Randomize
