I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
