I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
