I heard we made out
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
pray to the hookup gods
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
