i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
