When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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