I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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