so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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