I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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