Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
